Let’s get right down to it, guys…
I’ve been fighting a battle with depression for years, now. Too often, I look backwards in time and reflect on choices that I have made and wonder how I could have made such terrible decisions. I am not where I wanted to be at this stage of my life. My path has been riddled with bad ideas and the consequences they brought.
All of this has been bubbling up inside of me like some ill-conceived science experiment about to erupt and destroy both the scientist and all those with him in the lab. Most recently, I was challenged to get to the core of my issues: “just say it!” I was challenged. I felt that the reasons for my struggle were not valid, and so I refused at first. When I finally did release everything pent up inside, let me tell you, it wasn’t exactly pretty. But then again, I guess that is what should be expected. The darkest parts of ourselves, even our worst doubts and deepest fears, aren’t supposed to look clean or be attractive. That’s why we keep them tucked away where no one can see.
Except… Those closest to us can see. They can tell how affected we are by… something, even if they have no idea what that “something” might be. In reality, hiding those parts of ourselves can only be done successfully for so long before the darkness begins to leech out and damage ourselves and those around us.
That’s where I’ve been for… Well, I am not exactly sure how long. Long enough to not really recall a time when I wasn’t struggling on a deep level. My main complaint, when it came right down to it, is with God. Before I delve further, let me explain something to you…
What you are about to read is honest. It’s the darkest part of me. It’s the source of my anger, my shame, my guilt, my despair, and every other aspect that can only bring harm and not healing. So… here goes.
I’ve been angry with God, for years. Over half of my life, I would guess. For a while, I told myself that that couldn’t be true. My life hasn’t been nearly as difficult as so many others, so what right do I have to be angry? And even if the bad experiences I’ve endured were justification enough, what could ever give me the right to be angry with the One who breathed life into my body and placed me on this earth?
Well… That actually is why I’ve been angry. I, just like everyone else since Adam and Eve, did not choose to exist. I am grateful to be here, that I know for certain, but nevertheless, I did not choose it. I was not given the option of where to live, who my relatives would be, or what social status I would have. I wasn’t even able to choose which part of the world I would call home. God chose those things for me and set my path into motion without my consultation. And the icing on top of that particular cake is the knowledge that He is apparently absolved of all responsibility from His choice to breathe life into my lungs. After all, He is God. He is eternal. There is no one and nothing that can cast judgement on Him, no way from him to be held accountable for His choices.
So I grew angry. Bitter. Descended deeper into darkness, and my faith struggled more as the years passed. I cannot see into the future, but God can, and if He really loves me, why has He allowed me to make such poor choices? If He loves me, why does He not intervene at least once for the sake of sparing me the pain of my own decisions? He created me, after all; is He not responsible for me, as any parent is responsible for their child until they are grown enough to make their own choices?
But you’re an adult, you might say. You do make your own choices. And this is what I thought myself for over a decade. I am unique, and I have indeed made many many decisions of my own accord, whether for good or ill. But where I started to struggle was with the realization that I only make decisions based on my experiences, which I only have because God created me and placed me in this life without any choice beforehand as to whether I even wanted it in the first place and now He seems quite content to watch and even have the audacity to demand that I follow all of these rules that He has established for my betterment and the betterment of all creation and if I don’t, Hell is my eternal destination.
*gasp* That was quite the run-on sentence… Word vomit, some might call it, but it’s exactly how fast I shared my heart with my wife late last evening. We both sat in silence for quite some time after that particular revelation from the depths of my heart. It felt… Odd, but somewhat freeing to just say it all out loud. For someone else to know what was going on inside of me, to finally know the “why” of my struggles.
She told me something then that struck a very deep cord. She compared me as a father to God as my father. She dared to challenge some of the poor choices I have already made with my own children, and reminded me of my guilt. Is God any different? He once was so filled with regret over His creation that He vowed to wipe them all out, yet He could not help but preserve the life of Noah, the only righteous person in the whole world. It seems, then, that God was broken, nay devastated at the sinful nature of His created beings. The Old Testament is riddled with examples of God caring so deeply, so much so that He made vows that He must keep forever, because He must follow His own rules, because of just one righteous child. So pleased He was with Abraham, for example, that He blessed him more than just about any other person that has ever lived.
On the opposite end of the spectrum we can find God’s anger, so hot and furious that He saw entire peoples slaughtered, every man, woman, child; even the cattle that were owned by the people were destroyed. We see in the Old Testament a journey as God chooses various routes in an attempt to reconcile His creation and save them from sin and the eternal damnation that comes with it. Ultimately, it seems that God finally saw that He had no other choice than to send His Son, His only Son, the thing most precious to Him out of all that exists, to be the final sacrifice for our sins. God chose to create us, and He even chose to curse everyone when Adam and Eve disobeyed Him, and it seems He has done all He possibly can since that time to redeem His children. Something happened when Jesus, the only innocent person to ever die having lived a life free of blame and sin, died on that cross. Something eternal happened, something we may never truly comprehend because it involves eternal beings, something we simply are not even though the spirit inside of us is eternal. A bridge was formed that can link us directly to God via the Holy Spirit, our helper that comes to reside within us when we embrace God as our Father and Jesus as our King.
Jesus always pointed us to God, His Father. He wasn’t on earth for Himself. He wasn’t even ultimately on earth for us. He came to die for God, for His Father. The reasons could vary wildly, and because Scripture (our only physical link to God) does not blatantly explain the exact reasons Jesus chose to make that sacrifice, we can really only imagine. But I can speculate one reason, at least, based on my own experience as a father. I’ve been in pain, emotional and physical, and my oldest daughter, even though she is only four years old, has seen and understood that I was hurting and done everything she could to see my suffering eased. Granted, for her that just means tight hugs and an “I love you, daddy”, but that means more than someone who has not been blessed with children could ever imagine. So, I can imagine Jesus, having watched God, His Father, agonize so terribly for thousands of earth years over the suffering of the things He (God) created that He (Jesus) couldn’t help but do anything He could to ease the suffering of His Father.
I believe that Jesus chose to come to earth more out of love for God than love for us. Do I believe that He loves us? Absolutely. But He loves God more. After all, He begged God, to the point of actually sweating drops of blood, to spare Him the pain He knew He was about to endure. But in the end, He would do as God desired.
So as I fast and pray today, and even as I draft this article, I can see, know and feel a God who does indeed love me deeply. So powerful is His love that He has done nothing since the dawn of creation but try to reconcile us with Him and with eternity. He gave many ways over the centuries for us to be with Him when we breathe our last breath, ultimately finding that He would have to sacrifice His only Son to see true reconciliation, because it was the only way. He created us, and now He desperately wants us to know Him, deeply and intimately. To follow Him because we love Him and not because of obligation or fear. That, right there, has been my prayer. To love God, and by extension people, genuinely. For my relationship to be authentic, built on a solid foundation, and to follow Him out of love, and not fear of Hell of even the reward of heaven.
I have had to ask myself the harsh question… If God, and by extension Jesus, is the only reward that I ever see, if knowing God is all that I ever have, is that enough for me to follow Him?
Yes. I say yes now, and I will say yes until I breathe my last.
What do you say?
Copyright © 2021 D.M. Kurtz
D.M. Kurtz 