God Is Dead: A Metaphor

**EDIT, 04-17-22: Read this post here: https://dmkurtz117.net/2022/04/17/freedom-at-the-well/#more-1692 – An update to the words you are about to read, to put them into their proper context. PLEASE READ CAREFULLY, and refer to the blog post above as a true reflection of where I currently stand!**

That title pretty much sums up the content to follow. Nothing eloquent or graceful; just some thoughts and struggles that weigh down a tired soul, and if they are not allowed to escape, I feel as though I will burst at the seams. So, here goes, my dear reader. Delve deep into the mind of a weary and heavy laden individual, if you dare…

I have finally accepted two truths. The first: I am in the midst of severe depression. The second: the faith in God to which I have been clinging can no longer sustain me in the way that I have grown so accustomed to over the years. Damn, is it strange and freeing to type that out and form the actual words out loud as I let the idea escape! I guess I should clarify, though. Why abandon my faith?

Well, that isn’t really what I mean, I suppose. In reality, I am abandoning my reliance on God as a source of strength, of purpose, and of mental health. The last item on that list is the greatest fight of all for me, at present, and it has more than served as the catalyst for destroying more or less my entire life. I have successfully accomplished exactly one thing as I sit here, alone on a rooftop bar to type out this declaration of truth and sadness: I have brought to ruin the relationships that meant the most to me. Stood above the smoke rising from the destruction wrought in the wake of a soul bent by selfishness disguised as good intentions, until everything crumbled down and I abandoned all forms of the integrity that once guided my steps. Ask anyone truly close to me and you will see the truth as I have. In my current state of mind, I am nothing more than a monster that stalks the night and sees death brought to the hope inside of the people around me.

Upon great reflection, I have come to realize that I was raised on four pillars of belief, so allow me to break those down for you so that you will perhaps understand not only my state of mind, but the fairly twisted path the has led me to my current fate.

Pillar one: God is sovereign, in control of anything and everything

Pillar two: God is all knowing and powerful, and nothing can change his mind.

Pillar three: God cannot be questioned. To question is to doubt, and to doubt is to lose faith, and to lose faith is to sin, which leads to death. This is arguably the most important idea that was drilled into me from an early age.

Pillar four: God is love and works all things for your good, if only you love him.

The conclusion that I, at long last, have arrived at after a lifetime of dutifully serving this God that I was taught loves me so dearly is this: he loves me only when I am obedient, a good and faithful son that does not stray and does not question. Why would I think this, you might ask? It’s actually quite simple: either God does not have much interest in this planet and the people that inhabit it, or he is himself a monster that does whatever pleases him, and anyone that gets in the way of that be damned. Quite literally. The idea that one can be faithful, selflessly serving this God that created us and wants the best for us, but still suffer so many things and end up in hell anyway, is outrageous. If God is the asshole that he seems, than he simply is not worth serving. No one could live up to his standard of living and be rewarded, and to punish those who tried their best and still fell short is simply evil.

So, what then? Is God a monster? Or is he something else entirely? As for myself, having experienced several seriously wild miracles (a few of which have spared my own life), I know that God must exist. There is too much that cannot be explained apart from him, and too much that makes sense only when you can see that hands of a powerful deity shaping our reality.

Get to it, you might say. Is God a monster, or what?! I say, or what? I do not find him to malicious, hurting the weak and broken, or at least ignoring them, intentionally or maliciously. I have seen too much grace and love and miracles wrought in my life in the past and the lives of others that I love to believe that. What I DO see, and have slowly come to terms with after having felt his utter abandonment in my life, is that he is, quite simply, very busy. He has the fate of trillions since the dawn of creation in his hands, and I cannot even fathom that level of a burden of responsibility. It is not a task that I would want, or care to bear. At some point, I was perhaps on a more glorious path, one that would touch the lives of enough people that he had to pay more attention to me to ensure that I remained faithful, because the fate of so many were tied up in my own destiny. But, somewhere along the way, I made a choice, or a combination of choices, that changed my fate. So, he stopped paying attention to me, because on the cosmic scale, I do not matter enough for his personal attention.

For myself, at least, this acceptance has brought a sense of peace, finally. God does not hate me, or anyone, really. He just does not always have the time to see to every single struggle that every single person on this earth might face. Just as we face a variety of choices every day, so does he, and he does his best to navigate the troubled waters to the good of the many.

So then, how did I burn my life to cinders and alienate the closest relationships to me? How does all of this tie together? How did I become the monster?

Anger, pure and simple. I was brainwashed and indoctrinated to believe things that simply are not true about the God who created each and every one of us. I was given expectations of what God would do for me, and as a result, and as those expectations continued to not be met, I grew more and more angry. I slumped into depression, fueled by the guilt at lashing out at those closest to me more and more until I came to the point of feeling like the empty shell of a person. No longer a man, no longer devout, no longer… good. Not good for myself, for God or for my family and friends.

At the end of the day… I am my own person, and I must accept responsibility for my actions. I have proven to be untrustworthy and hateful and unworthy in so many areas over the years. The weight of my own actions weighs down like an anchor ready to pull me into the depths of the deepest waters, and there are days where I wish for that exact fate. To simply be no more, free of the guilt, shame and burden that I have placed on myself through a long and sordid journey of nearly 29 years on this earth.

But I must press on. What else is there? As I accept that I, and I alone, am responsible for not only my past choices, but the choices I will make in the future, as well, I am allowed to move forward with a strange sense of freedom. No one controls my fate except for myself, and my life and my soul will be damned or saved ultimately by my own choices. God lays the path for redemption out quite clearly. It is up to me to follow that, whether he speaks to or helps me, or remains utterly silent, as he is now.

If you are reading this, and I have wronged or hurt you in any way, I am truly sorry. From a heart so heavily burdened, please accept my apology. I will do my best to reach out to everyone that I can individually, and if you are reading this, I would encourage you to do the same. Make peace with those around you, especially those that you have wronged. if not for them, do it for yourself and for your own daily mental health and clarity.

Spoken with sincerity, wholly unedited… regards from the author: D.M. Kurtz

Copyright © 2022 D.M. Kurtz