Kids: they change everything, don’t they? As they grow, you can see every bit of yourself and your spouse in their little faces. While their minds develop, you’ll see the good and the bad (we lovingly have dubbed it the “obnoxious little mirror syndrome”), in ways that can be very difficult to witness. The gravity of that reflection should build up a certain level of sobering reality. Those children, while each and every bit their own person, are also moldable. What takes shape will vary wildly depending on how you and I should elect to raise them up.
Me? I was raised in quite the interesting household. Southern Baptist roots that unfortunately did not very well serve me ran deep and by the time I was an adult, I had more questions than answers about anything and everything in life. Nothing in the “real world” made a lick of sense to me, and I was very angry and ill-prepared for being even a semi-decent human being. Made a lot of mistakes… A LOT. Hurt, nay, outright devastated a lot of good people along the way before I came to be who I am today, and that only by the literal grace of God on my heart and life.
I don’t blame my folks at all, though. My mom is one of the most patient, kind and genuine people you could ever hope to meet, and though I did fault my dad for a while I know now in hindsight (he’s one of my closest friends and advisors today and I genuinely love and respect him SO much) that he does now and has always deeply loved me. He did the absolute best that he could with the tools he was given, and wow, now I am responsible for rearing up three (soon to be 4!) kiddos myself? Four little lives who will grow to be adults in a wild and wacky world, and the tools that I give them will shape how they in turn raise their own children one day?
Oof. What a responsibility! It is one that I took too lightly in the early years, but by God’s grace I take it quite seriously now. I understand, and I hope that if you do not already get it then you will come to understand it too, that it is my solemn, wonderful duty to be a reflection of their Father in heaven while they walk this earth. He gives me the tools needed, and it’s up to me to use them well.
Going away are the old ways of “beat them into submission” or “they just need a ‘healthy dose of fear'”…
I have to hang here for a spell, sorry/not sorry. A healthy dose of fear?! What in the flying forks does that even mean? Sure, fear kept me in line as a kid (mostly), made it easier maybe for those in charge of me but fear certainly didn’t make me honest or help me to be a decent person. Fear was only a motivator while I was under someone else’s authority, and once that presence was gone, I did what I wanted, when I wanted to without any regard for the people around me. Fear does not make inherently good people. Fear focuses on self-preservation, while understanding love, especially the love of a parent, is what spurs change. That kind of love motivates, and when it is the fuel by which we instill the virtues that the Father has already written on our hearts, our conscience testifying for or against us… That is what pushes us toward a path to righteousness, and that path is what will change the entire face of the world as we know it.
We, each one of us, already know right from wrong. It’s coded into us from birth. But we are also naturally selfish (sorry, but it’s simply true). We want what’s best for US, what makes ME happy. So our kids are naturally selfish. How do we teach them a better way?
We model it ourselves, with our own behavior. When they’re irrational? Be the rational one. When they’re angry? Be calm. When they’re an emotional wreck? Be their rock and center. Model for them the ways to be, the life to live, and in time they will naturally follow. This is how we raise up a generation of empathetic, compassionate, but strong and powerful people. One NOT so quickly offended and rising to anger by the slightest grievance against them. One that is steady and resolute. One that loves deeply, and genuinely. One that follows God as their first love, knowing full well just how much and deeply He first loved us! Love is the key. It always has, and it always will be the key. Love your kids, be the example of God for them and treat them like the people they are, not the tools that you’d like for them to be, and you might just witness a miracle.
Copyright © 2023 D.M. Kurtz
D.M. Kurtz 