Wasted

Thirty years. It’s how long I’ve been on this earth.

What do you do when you look back at the slow crash of your life? To go back through the memories, see who you once were (genuine, kind, passionate) and watch the slow fall from grace into anger and hate? To see the lives you once touched for good having been affected so strongly by the life you chose to live? The choices you’ve made?

What do you do when you look back and realize just how much of your life you’ve wasted?

Can you change? Is there any repairing the broken relationships? Can you move forward to something better? Can there be hope and love and joy and genuine laughter in your heart? Or is everything just left too broken in the wake of a wasted life?

I don’t know the answer. This is my first post in a long time. I’ve spent countless time today going back over photos, memories… A life, these days possibly half or at least a third of it, gone by, never to be re-lived. I know that God has me. The Spirit within is grieving, severely overwhelmed with grief with me. He tells me that there is always hope, but nothing is certain. All we have is right now. This moment, what do we do? What do we say? I wish more than anything I could go back. I could re-write history. Be real back then instead of just now.

Today, I come to this because I know some will see it, but there’s no obligation to talk or reach out. I feel I’ve been enough of a burden to everyone I’ve ever know for long enough. I want to reach out, to make amends, to ask for help even, advice, counsel. But I don’t. My past declares that my rights to that are no more. I’ve burned too many bridges, caused to much hurt.

All I have, all anyone has is right now. Today. What choices will you make so that the next thirty years aren’t wasted?